Do I care?

I was told that many a different time, in the past, and still to come in the future. Will I ever? Probably not, I feel like an 18 year old trapped in a 26 year old's body and life.

My oldest child starts Fisrt grade in fall, my middle child starts Pre-School, and my baby, she hasn't yet learned to crawl. Life is funny. I never saw myself like this when I was 18. I imagined myself having a 6 figure job, living in a condo with a couple cats, and some fish to keep me company.

Although, I don't think I'd change it for anything. My girls are the most precious things to me in the whole universe, and beyond. They make me smile when I am sad, crack a joke at just the right time. And help to calm the vicious temper I have gotten over the years.

I have very few friends, and lost a lot more along the way, but everytime they look at me I feel so much love, my heart just burst with pride and joy. "Look at what my baby did!"

There are days that I think we are going to be ok, then someone takes that damn wreking ball and shatters everything we have worked for. After my horrible week 2 weeks ago...it now gets worse...we have to find a new palce to live. I have 2 small children, myself and my husband to move...and i haven't a damn clue as to were we are going to live. It's like a higher force is just playing with us, "sure lift em up...then pull the rug out from them."

Tell me it gets better somewere along the line?

Yea happened to remember I had not written in a while.. since just before the baby was born it looks like. Well so far this is the month from pure hell. I got a great job in march, i was a receptionist for a state program that helps the disabled find their place in the work force. Well, the baby happened to get sick, the same week, that I drove to columbus to take the state civil service tests, and i had to take her to the er...well, that day, the temp agency called me to tell me, my assignment was ended due to, missing to many days...yea ok, the baby was running 104-110 all night, wasn't breathing all that well, and was basically a lump of goo in my arms...what would you have done! she could have died! omfg, compassion people! So there goes the income...right out the flipping window, then the bank called, told me that becasue of the negaive amount in our checking, they are going to close our account, and put us on the check monitoring system for 7 years...so guess what? I'll be cashing checks at Kroger for 7 years, cuz no bank in their right mind is going to touch us.

AND IT GETS BETTER!!

my kids are little adventerurs...so the go through EVERYTHING no exceptions! yea well, i got yelled at by our roommate, and by my husband...i was like gee thanks, add that on to all the stress i'm under, and it's really helping my depression...

why are men so insensitive? why is it that they need to find one thing and nit pick the fuck out it? I'm on the virge of a nervous break down, and all this shit everyone deals out to me is not in the least helping how i feel, about me, my family, and our lives...but you know...who the hell cares?! i mean there are A LOT of job oppertunites out there...yea right, let me see....nope none in at least 7 counties...

I just want to crawl in a hole and fade from the world...fade from memories...maybe if i just die everything will just go away...

Hot tears flow erom her red, swollen eyes. She wanders aimlessly through the dark woods. Her long robe flowing behind her, half open in the front exposing her soft bare skin to the harsh elements of the world. Her mind churning with thoughts, words, faces, places, and nothing at the same time.
Stopping at a clearing, she falls to her knees. Her robe flows perfectly around her in a circle on the ground. Slowly she closes her eyes wanting noting more than to have death free her from her mortal prison. As she begins to drift off to sleep, the wind silences its howl, and the rain turns to soft white snow, but not one flake comes near her, but rather falls around her, as not to chill her beautiful porcelain like skin.

š

She awoke with beads of sweat all over her skin, creams caught in her throat, and tears shimmering down her face. She gasps for air trying to collect her thoughts. Her bare body quivers beneath the warmth of the wool blankets, that someone has carefully wrapped her in. She doesn’t quite remember how she got here, but she does remember a young man’s heart beat, and how warm and gentle his touch was on her skin.
She can hear a beautiful melody with golden undertones so soft, yet so sad. As she regains more of her composure, she grabs her robe and cloaks it around her self. She walks from her room, exploring the house trying to locate the music. As she continued to walk, the music grew louder and more hypnotic as she continued. Tears began to form in her eyes the longer she listened.
As she opened the outside door, she blinked at the bright warmth of the sunlight caressing her frail body. She continued on, walking on the lush green earth.
She stopped suddenly, gazing upon the beautiful boy playing a flute. She stood in awe, then closed her eyes and let his music enchant her. Her thoughts and desires flew wildly through her minds’ eyes. She began to remember where she was, and who she was. Slowly she lifted her arms, letting her robe fall from her small shoulders. She began to levitate toward the sky; the musical notes the young man is playing encompassed her bare flesh, protecting it from the burning light of the sun above her.
Gently she returns to the earth, like an angel fallen from heaven. Her body, still weak, collapses back to the earth. The young man, who has never seen such beauty, stopped playing long before she returned to the earth, wrapped her robe around her, and scooped her into his arms.
He took her back to her room and carefully laid her back in her bed. He took her robe and laid it on the desk by her bed, then suddenly blushed as he was wrapping her with the blankets on her bed. Ash she slept, he built a fire and made some broth for her to drink when she woke.

I feel the icy fingers all around me,
Surrounding me.
Strangling me.
Suffocating me.
I feel your presence in my room,
Your sweet smell.
Your loving voice.
Your innocence.
Inside I am aloe and empty. Then you came. I am not alone anymore. But the emptiness inside attracts the icy fingers to come once again to,
Surrounding me.
Strangling me.
Suffocating me.
I can’t fight it off anymore. I am too weak. Death surrounds my limp and frail body. I am going somewhere were I can protect you.
Your sweet smell.
Your loving voice.
Your innocence.

July 27, 1998

To Whom It May Concern:

I cordially invite you to take a walk into my overflowing brain…but I can guarantee, you don’t want to know what heavy load I am carrying on my shoulders.

I believe most of it is fear…I’m afraid, afraid of the darkness that encompasses me and my heart and soul. I’m afraid of you…your cool blue eyes that seem to see past my tough exterior and into my soul. I’m afraid of the songs on the radio of love and sex. I’m afraid of my heart…it falls in love so easily, then is broken just as quick.

I’ve been used. I feel so dirty, no amount of soap and water can wash off the dirt, it’s gone past blood and flesh; it’s gone into my inner soul.

All the harsh words, insults, dirty looks aimed in my direction are more hurtful and damaging than anything you could or would imagine. I take all those damaging words to heart, instead of letting them flow into on ear and out the other… I bottle all those words, looks, pain, sorrow, and grief, I bottle them up, with my bottle of frozen tears and let it set. Trying not to shake the bottle, for fear it will shake too much and burst. When it does explode, all those hateful words I’ve been storing will come out of my mouth, the pain down my face as well as all my tears I’ve choked back, frozen in time.

And for this, I have become jumpy, nervous, and edgy trying not to rattle my little bottle of fear. I am also afraid of telling you this…because you might run away, and feel the hate in your tender heart…

I plead with you not to feel remorse for me. I do believe the happiest and saddest times are when I think of leaving, running away; I’m leaving the bad names, and curses, but I’m also leaving a life time of friends…is this silly? Or am I thinking too much again?

Sincerely,



Me.

For some strange reason I feel like crying. I don’t know why, but I feel like I am being sucked back into the black void, which is my sub-conscious. I want to sleep, dream, fly, and wake well rested, alive and ready to smile at the beautiful day. But I am so tired, too sick, I just want to lay next to you in your arms…forever…

For some reason I am afraid…afraid of the moon and her jealous whispers into our ears. I am afraid of her desperate attempts to steal you from me, but she cannot and will not! The stars; our friends will protect us from the moons’ devious ways.

I love you…sweet slumber…no more jealous whispers from the moon falling on sensitive ears…

November 14, 1999

Daddy

Have you ever stared into a mirror so long that colors, lines, and shapes all mix together, and when you finally come back to reality you finally start to question who the hell you really are?
Sometimes I feel like a computer game. Yea you play it once, but you go through it quicker each time after that. I have even felt like a rapist, drug user, and worse yet, a murderer. I rape you mind so you are on my level, or you do it to me and after ward I am noting but a shell of self pity left bare naked on a street corner. But I always come back for more, I need all that pain, I need your anger, hatred and pain. Without it I would die.
Although, in doing this I am slowly opening Pandora’s box and watching you suffer as life fades slowly from your weak body. I let all your suffering out of my little box and let my little fears of every lie you ever told me eat you alive.
Now everything you ever did or said, to or about me will reside with you, in the confines of a small black box, buried under six years of anger, rage, pain, rape, drugs and murder, that you were kind enough to bestow upon my fragile little shoulders.
I’ve hated you for that all my life…but how can I hate my creator; now that I hold you Pandora’s box in my black heart. Are you proud of yourself? Or do you finally realize that you were a mad scientist meddling around with a very impressionable child. I suppose you don’t care, your life is over…

A blindingly dark shadow has fallen over my heart and consumes me as a whole. M heart is frozen, incapable of loving. The crashing waves capsize my heart and drag it to the bottom of an emotional frozen sea.

Thoughts of death breeze quickly in and out of my head; what if I die tomorrow? Will my soul find another body to inhabit and be doomed to repeat the same mistakes over and over? Or with the closing of my coffin with my spirit fade like the sweet smell of roses in rain?

Am I the only one who notices frozen tears in my eyes ready to fall, but are too shy to show I am a sensitive human with emotions? Slowly I sink inside myself, curled into a ball never to return as the same person I was before.


My soul slips into an unknown darkness that consumes me as a whole; but I am not whole. My heart is broken and lays crumbled at the bottom of my soul; but I have no soul, I gave it to you…

My heart has shattered into so may pieces, the amount of stars in the whole universe cannot compare, and yet though all the tiny cracks; shines a ray of hope and promise covered by a shroud of anger and hate. And with a kiss, I die…

…I feel the urge to stand on my desk and scream just the break the deafness that causes my ears to ring with whispers of the long forgotten and envious moon, but I will not scream, cannot…. my voice has been silenced do to meditation and lack of rest.